


Survivor's Guilt

by therealaisabelle



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Argentina Men's National Volleyball Team (Haikyuu!!), Depression, Gen, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Sorry, Japanese Men’s National Volleyball Team (Haikyuu!!), M/M, Pro Volleyball Player Hinata Shouyou, Pro Volleyball Player Kageyama Tobio, Pro Volleyball Player Oikawa Tooru, Sadness, iwaoi angst, married iwaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:00:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27372319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therealaisabelle/pseuds/therealaisabelle
Summary: Six Tips For Handling Survivor's Guilt.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	Survivor's Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry...

His therapist had labeled it _**survivor’s guilt**_.

They described it as something most people felt after surviving a life-threatening situation where others had not. Toru had bit his tongue in an effort not to ask if this only applied to humans.

He can recall with certain clarity, twelve years prior, when his rabbit Iwa-chan had died in his arms after they were both hit by a speeding car. He remembers the stickiness of his hands as Iwa-chan bled out. The liquid matted the rabbit’s fur and seeped into his own shirt. Sure, he’d had a broken arm and a mild concussion, and he’d been pretty sad to have to bury his first pet but, why didn’t he develop survivor’s guilt? Why didn’t he want to be that rabbit? Why didn’t he want to be that Iwa-chan? 

He learned, at a young age, that blood usually stained but he was able to wash that Iwa-chan’s blood off of his hands with dish soap and tap water. Why didn’t his hands stain back then? Why couldn’t he see Iwa-chan’s blood, dried and crusted splayed across his hands? Why didn’t he leave bloody fingerprints on everything he touched back then? Why didn’t his hands stain back then?

_**Why didn’t his hands stain back then?** _

His therapist, in an effort to help him get over his _**survivor’s guilt**_ **,** tried to provide him with six tips for handling it. He’d taken the little brochure home with him. It had rained today, just like it had that day. The dirt was moist and soggy but, that didn’t stop him from spreading his suit jacket beneath him and sitting on his husband’s grave.

There was a bouquet of zinnia’s and violet lilacs next to him as he leaned against the headstone. An umbrella lay between his legs as he opened the brochure.

In true, Fuck-Toru-fashion the first tip was _‘ask yourself who is truly responsible’._

_Me._

His husband made it known very often and relatively loud enough that most people wouldn’t forget how he felt about the matter- _the matter being clubbing and how he felt being a strong dislike for the “crowded, sweaty” atmosphere_ \- that Toru should have known better than to suggest they go clubbing. Naturally, Hajime’s disapproval of something had never deterred Toru enough that he wouldn’t nag until he got what he wanted. 

_**“Hajime, we hav-”** _

**_“I have work at ass o’clock tomorrow Toru,” Hajime sighed._ **

**_“We’ll be back before-” A quick glance at the clock. “-twelve.”_ **

**_“If I say yes will you take the day off and go see your SMP?”_ **

**_A loud scoff. “Of course.”_ **

**_“Fine, get dressed.”_ **

**_A kiss on the forehead, followed by a hum of satisfaction and Hajime resigning himself to a night full of keeping his husband out of trouble and sober._ **

The second tip had caused Toru to laugh out loud _‘remind yourself you can handle sadness and loss’._

_Of course, I can._

Toru had been handed several losses over the course of his career as a professional athlete. Actually, if he counted high-school he was a lot stronger than he gave himself credit fo- _that’s because credit isn’t due to you._

How could Toru forget? His ability to overcome those losses was always influenced by a single common denominator- Iwaizumi Hajime. Hajime had been there through it all.

_**“It’s one loss in a long line of wins of past and wins of future, Toru,” they were wrapped in blankets lying next to each other in Toru’s backyard. The air was crisp and every breath they took formed small puffs of smoke. “You do the same thing every time you lose as though you’ve never won.”** _

**_“Hajime,” Toru had sniffled. “It’s not just about me, I feel like I let the entire team down.”_ **

**_“Stop it Shittkawa,” Hajime dragged his best friend closer. “We feel like we let you down.” He adjusted the blankets to cover the lower half of Toru’s face. “Now, shut up, we’re out here freezing our asses off to make you feel better.”_ **

**_“Thanks, Hajime,” Toru had stared at his pink darkened cheeks for far too long. Hajime didn’t know then but, it was that night under the stars that Toru first realized that he was in love with his childhood best friend._ **

The third tip had caused a subtle trembling of Toru’s bottom lip. _‘Think about how people who love you feel about your survival’._

Yes, his seven million followers on Instagram were very happy to have him here and alive. So were the rest of the Argentina men’s national volleyball team and his coaches and Maki and Mattsun and the little sunshine member of Japan’s team and even Tobio-Kun. Then again, these are people whose love could not compare to the selfless love Hajime had offered him in life.

The one man who had turned down a job offer from the Japanese team to move halfway across the world to start a life with Toru.

_**“Hajime!”** _

**_“Hey, Toru!” The man dropped his bags in favor of catching the six-foot athlete who’d just hurled himself into his arms. He chuckled as limbs wrapped around him and kisses peppered his face._ **

**_“Oh my God!” Toru sighed. “This is really happening.”_ **

**_Detangling himself from the taller man Hajime chuckled. “Buying a house wasn’t confirmation enough?”_ **

**_“Touché.”_ **

The fourth tip took him a minute to understand. _‘It’s not a zero-sum game.’_

A quick internet search left him reeling. This was exactly what he was feeling. Like he had run out of luck.

He managed to snag the man of his dreams, achieve the one goal he’d been dying to since he could walk, move to Latin America, learn two other languages, and have a healthy support system.

He’d definitely run out of luck.

_**“You’re one lucky bastard, Oika-,” Hanamaki paused to correct himself, ensuring that the guests had enough time to acknowledge his purposeful slip-up. “I mean Iwaizumi Toru. I hope that shit never runs out man.”** _

**_He’d proceeded to address Matsukawa about their bet. A bet he’d won because Toru had taken Hajime’s name._ **

Five was the proverbial nail in his coffin. _‘Do something meaningful for someone else’._

Who was someone else exactly? The only other person Toru could do anything nice for, he’d buried them in his backyard. Tears had gathered in Toru’s eyes. He knew if Hajime could tell him one thing it would be to live. To continue playing volleyball, to forgive himself. To love himself.

Toru could never do that. Any strength he’d managed to gather with Hajime at his side seemed to have died when he did. Been buried when he was. All that was left was the shell of a man who was once unstoppable. 

_Do something meaningful for someone else._

Who the fuck was someone else? It had been almost six months and Toru still hadn’t returned to volleyball. When Makki and Mattsun left after the funeral he’d promised them that he was okay. He really wasn’t and they must have noticed by now. The ignored phone calls and messages. They must know.

Toru wished he could be selfless and strong enough to actually get over this…this _**survivor’s guilt.**_ There was no one there to convince him that he could though. No one except his therapist and her stupid fucking list. 

_**“Toru,” Hajime whined. “Can you move? I need to piss.”** _

**_“No,” Toru mumbled, voice rough with sleep. “I’m comfortable.”_ **

Toru smiled at the memory. Hajime hadn’t forced him to move, instead choosing to lay still until Toru had drifted off into sleep once more. Something meaningful for someone else.

_**“You bought me a new knee band?” Toru had immediately started tearing up.** _

**_Hajime had bent and placed a kiss on Toru’s injured knee._ **

**_“Your name’s stitched on the inside,” He flashed Toru a smile and patted his leg as he stood. “C’mon, you have an impatient ace waiting for sets.”_ **

Toru still had that knee band in a box in their closet. Something meaningful for someone else.

_**“You’d move to Argentina for me?”** _

**_“Of course, I would,” Hajime kissed him on the forehead._ **

Something meaningful.

_**“Will you marry me, Iwaizumi Hajime?”** _

**_“I’d die for you, dumbass.”_ **

Something meaningful.

_**“Be careful Shittykawa,” Hajime dragged Toru to the other side of him. Placing himself between the traffic and his husband. “You can barely walk I don’t know why I let you talk me into this.** _

**_“Iwa-chan,” Toru slurred. “I’m not Shittykawa anymore.”_ **

**_Hajime chuckled. “I guess not.”_ **

Something meaningful.

_**“You’re always so nice to me, Hajime,” Toru mused. “Why don’t you ever let me treat you?”** _

**_“Here’s what?” Hajime smiled. “The nicest thing you will ever do for me is let me die first. I don’t think I’d be able to live without you…”_ **

**_“Hajime?” Toru asked. “Are you in love with?”_ **

**_“We’re fucking married, you asshole!”_ **

Do something meaningful for someone else.

_**“H-hajime?” Toru tried to move only to jostle his ribs. “H-haji? Oh my God.”** _

**_Toru observed as his husband’s arm fell away from his body and the bone pierced the skin. He gagged at the rush of blood. As far as he could tell they were upside down. He thinks they were hit by another car, but he can’t be certain._ **

**_“T-toru,” Hajime rasped._ **

**_“No, don’t try to talk,” Toru tried to shut him up. He could hear sirens, in the distance._ **

**_“T-toru,” He tried again. Toru let out a single sob as the blood from Hajime’s mouth dripped onto the seat next to his head. “L-love you.”_ **

**_“No,” Toru observed the way his chest began to heave. “Hajime, don’t you dare!”_ **

**_“Love you, Toru,” His breath rattled when he coughed, the blood splattering onto his chin and running down to his cheeks. “P-promise m-”_ **

**_“No!” Toru gasped as he tried to shift closer to his husband. He may have broken ribs he concluded. “You can’t do this.” He sobbed in earnest now. Hands shaking as they reached across the space to wipe the blood from his husband’s face. “We’ll never go to another club, I’ll never whine about milk bread again, I promise. I promise. I promise.”_ **

**_“P-promise me,” Hajime tried to lift the arm that had broken and groaned. The sound caused goosebumps to erupt along Toru’s skin. “You’ll w-win.”_ **

**_“If you die, I lose Hajime,” Toru hiccupped._ **

**_“’ Course not, Shittykawa,” Hajime’s eyes rolled to Toru. “Means I won.”_ **

Iwaizumi Hajime took his last breath next to his husband in their upside down car- way past the time Toru had promised they’d be home -as said husband screamed at the on scene paramedics and firefighters to do something. 

His death took their graduating class and the volleyball community by surprise and his funeral saw a multitude of international pro players flying to Argentina to pay their respects.

The final tip forced a wet sob out of Toru just as the rain began to drizzle again. Overhead, thunder rumbled just low enough to make itself known but not loud enough to be scary.

_‘Take care of yourself.’_

_**In Loving Memory** _

**_Of_ **

**_Iwaizumi Hajime_ **

**_Sunrise June 10th, 1994- Sunset July 13th, 20xx_ **

**_Best Friend, Husband, and Son._ **

**_Your life was a blessing._ **

**_Your memory a treasure._ **

**_You are loved beyond words._ **

**_Missed beyond measure._ **

**Author's Note:**

> I know I have a DabiHawks fic to finish but I won't be able to until...Maybe the end of this month because of school. I'm sorry. <333
> 
> Also, to anyone else who's currently struggling through online classes...Please I'm on Tumblr @maryanimette or Twitter/IG @therealaisy if you wanna scream at me about your failing mental health and poor grades or just tell me that you ate all three meals today, or that you got out of bed. I promise you we're all struggling together.


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